“Only Love Can Be Both Heaven and Hell”

I feel like I’m drowning today. Maybe it’s the rain falling from the sky or maybe it’s something more complex than that. I’m missing you today. I’m feeling disconnected, cut off from you. That quickening in my heart is still somewhat there; that warm and wonderful sensation still spreads all through my chest at times, but it is fleeting. Things have been both beautiful and very painful lately. I’ve all but shut myself down in the past week or so because I don’t really know what else to do at this point. I’m at an emotional stalemate and I’m trying to view things from a different angle, but I’ve had very little luck thus far. I’m feeling very perplexed and the fear is still lingering, although I will say it has lessened considerably. I know this is just another test, another bump in the road that I will soon be looking back on all the wiser, but at this moment, my heart is in turmoil. I just want to go home.

This feeling of disquiet is mostly due to frustration. I guess I’m wondering why it hasn’t gotten much easier at this point, because I really thought it would. I said the magic words. I spoke my truth! Finally, after years of holding it in, of hiding my true feelings, I did it. And yet, I’m still stuck. I envisioned that moment many times in my mind for months, if not longer, and it seemed like it would be so grand and so liberating. I knew it would hurt, but I thought I would feel free when it was done. That wasn’t the feeling I got at all. In fact, it mostly just felt like pain. And even worse, my words fell on deaf ears. I said what I needed to say, yet he’s still here, acting like it never happened at all, coaxing me with love and affection. And I’m a little ashamed to say that I’ve eaten it right up. I guess I’m really not living my truth yet, because I’m still going right along with this charade. I don’t want to hurt him more. I want to take his pain away. So here I am, still putting myself second. Still making the same error that I thought I’d corrected. It’s looking like I have to do it all over again. That first day, I really thought it was over. My world came crashing down and I was in complete and utter shock. Yet, here we are, still kickin’, like we didn’t miss a beat.

Then, there’s Astrid. Our darling little girl. She gets so happy when she sees her mommy and daddy in an embrace, she usually joins in. This is, by far, the hardest part. I am trying my hardest to figure out how to do this without splitting up our family. There must be a way. She’s far too smart not to catch on to what is happening, and she speaks so well now that she’s saying sentences. She is very good at verbally expressing herself, especially for a child of a year and a half. If he leaves the house, it will surely break my heart every time she asks where he is. Of course, she will still see him, but my fear mostly lies in the fact that he won’t want to be around me. My wish is to remain a family, spending plenty of time together, but he doesn’t reflect those desires whenever we speak of a potential separation. It kills me to even imagine dividing her time, not to mention, I feel she is still too young to spend extended periods of time away from me. We have a very strong bond and she needs me more than anyone else. Worrying is doing me no good, and I’m sure he will eventually come around to this idea, but this doesn’t make it any easier right now. Every day, I have prayed for a solution. I know it’s there, and others have miraculously appeared before me in the recent past, but right now, I don’t see it.

Things are certainly not getting any easier, but I will persevere nonetheless. I have no other choice, after all and I wouldn’t really have it any other way. Solutions will come, I know, and then I will have to reopen the wound all over again. I suppose that’s all part of my job here, to wake him up and help him to acknowledge his pain, so that he can mend it himself. He’s quite good at avoiding it, probably even better than I was when I was in that mentality. He is completely numb, actually, to every bit of heartbreak he feels, and I suppose I’ve been enabling it, rather than helping him deal with it. I’ve been doing the opposite of what I’m meant to do. Perhaps that’s the lesson, here. Perhaps that’s why I’m still stuck in this conundrum. Maybe that’s the part of the picture that I haven’t been seeing. I guess I have to do with him what you did with me; make him bleed. If I don’t, he will most likely choose to continue living this lie, willingly ignoring the truth, depending on me for love and self-worth. I told him I can’t do the co-dependent relationship anymore, but I don’t think he understood, because he is still very much immersed in it. Yes, I’m going to have to hurt him. But first, I’m going to have to learn how to forgive myself for it.

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