“Hold onto what you believe in the light when the darkness has robbed you of all your sight.”
I’m sending love to everyone today. We all need it. On a global scale, we all need to get on the same page. There is too much chaos, fear and disorder in this world. But we can fix it. My favorite book, The Secret Language of Birthdays has been reminding me (and all April 19 people) since I was eighteen years old that “there is no power greater than the power of love,” and I’m finally now beginning to understand just how powerful it is.
This is what I’ve been trying to keep in mind every day for the last few months. Since that crappy start to my day yesterday, I’m feeling more negativity, but I’m trying not to let it bother me too much. I know that everything will be fine, for all of us. It never feels good having someone who hates you, though. Damn, I am so sick of looking and feeling like a bad person. When is this going to end?
I don’t like being dishonest. It’s not in my nature to lie and every time I do it, I feel so dirty. But at this point in my life, I feel like I have no other choice but to do so, in order to get by. I’m not ready to tell the truth. I’m not ready to face the changes that will result in doing so, mostly because they will affect Astrid and she is so young. Not to mention, I still have nothing to go by, no physical proof of what I’m experiencing. I have faith, but lately, I’ve been feeling like I need just a little more than that. That’s why I sent that message. I had a moment of weakness and confusion. I knew it was a bad idea as soon as I hit the “send” button. What’s done is done, though.
How do I find that balance that I’ve been seeking? My problem always used to be that I was too much of a control freak and couldn’t just let things be. Now, my head is either too far in the clouds or I’m just trying to go with the flow, but I feel as though I’m accomplishing nothing by not taking action. One day, I feel like I have a pretty good grip on what’s going on, and the next, I just feel like I’m doing it all wrong and maybe things aren’t at all as I thought they were. What a confusing time it is.
I visited my grandfather today for the first time in over two weeks. He has been in a nursing home on Hospice care. When I saw him last, he wasn’t doing so great, but he was still somewhat alert and knew that we were there. Today, he sat in his wheelchair, his eyes closed for almost the entire duration of our visit. He kept quietly muttering words that seemingly had no meaning and he appeared as though he was already somewhere else. I couldn’t even speak to him, because he was so far gone. The only thing that made it better was that he seemed peaceful. At least, that’s what I hope he’s feeling.
My best friend is going through the hardest time of her life right now. Her situation is so complex and difficult and I can’t relate to it in the least bit. I tried to cheer her up recently, and I think I ended up accomplishing just the opposite. Now, she is shutting me out, ignoring my messages and laying low. You’re laying low, too. I’m feeling more and more like I don’t even know the man that I’m sleeping next to and I’m increasingly repelled by his affections. I can’t forget to mention the incidents and constant reminders of rampant terrorism happening everywhere in the world and the fear it is instilling in everyone. Then, of course, yesterday, I received an angry text message from someone who thinks that I’m scum of the earth, which fucked with my whole day. As a result of the accusations I faced and the distraction they caused, I ended up feeling like a shitty mother and just a shitty, selfish person in general.
“This, too, shall pass.” I know that. I’m trying to keep my attitude and feelings in check, but all of this negativity and the helpless feeling that comes with it are starting to get to me. I feel very much alone. It’s been this way for a while, and I was actually fine with it, but I think today just pushed me over the edge. I guess this is just another test of my strength. It’s a chance to make things right with a few people. It’s a chance to get in touch with my emotions, which I apparently repress a lot more than I thought. I just have to focus on what I want and what I love.
I know you’re feeling down, too. And like me, you’ve been avoiding your feelings. Just remember that I’m still here. I’m feeling it, too. You’re not alone and we’re going to get through this. We are protected and everything is going to be alright. Please, just stay with me.