“Awful sick and Tired of the Game”

“And it’s cold and it’s cold and it’s cold when you’re near
Cold when you’re near any bottle”

Ain’t it the truth? When I ran, I had nowhere to turn, nothing that could possibly distract me the way that I wanted and I felt that I needed. Drinking became my favorite pastime. It was one of his too. From the time we started our relationship, sitting at the bar was one of our usual activities. Of course, in all fairness, we did meet behind the bar. I guess you could say that many good bartenders possess a sort of passion for the trade (albeit, it’s a love-hate kind of relationship) and we really can appreciate a creative cocktail, a good craft beer or a nice glass of wine. We spent more than enough time appreciating these things, however, and my passion for something that I half hated overcame my real passions. The same thing happened to him, I believe. Why he still doesn’t see the problem with this, I’m not sure. He gave up on his dreams for a reason still unknown to me, perhaps unknown to himself, as well. He has yet to clean out his closet. Maybe eventually he’ll jump that hurdle, but it’s for another day, I guess.

My problem was worse than his. He was more into smoking weed than drinking. I couldn’t smoke. It caused me way too much anxiety, which up until just the past month or so, remained a total mystery to me. I couldn’t figure out why suddenly one day, I just couldn’t handle the high anymore, when I used to enjoy it. I figured it had to do with my depression, but there was so much more to it than that. The truth is, being high caused me to look inward, and that’s really what I couldn’t handle. Alcohol made me feel “happier,” more fun, more relaxed, and it became my favorite vice. Looking back, I now realize that I drank more out of necessity than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a raging alcoholic. I didn’t wake up in the morning and do a shot of vodka; I’m not that metal. However, it came to a point where it was rare for me to skip out on having at least a few per day, unless I was just too hungover from the night before. Drinking with people was fun, as it usually is. But when I was alone with my thoughts, I would do anything to get away from them, so I drank then, too. What’s worse is that I saw nothing wrong with it. At least, that’s what I made myself believe. I guess I was willing to tell myself anything in order to numb the pain.

What I didn’t realize then was that in an attempt to run from the darkness, I was only running right into it. It’s so obvious now, but I just didn’t look at it that way. I suffered in ways that I could have easily prevented, had I just seen what was staring me right in the face. All I needed to do was look into the mirror, but I refused to do that. I kept pointing my finger, believing that I was doing everything I could just to get anywhere and the good things in life were simply rejecting me. But I was the cause of my own misery. That’s what’s so fascinating — though incredibly frustrating and confusing — about this whole runner/chaser thing. Sometimes you don’t know whether you’re coming or going! It seemed to me that I was the chaser and you were the runner. Initially, that is in fact how it went, but at some point, the roles reversed, which is another thing that I just recently came to realize. I’ve known about the Twin Flame love for almost a year now, but it has still taken me a while to fully understand it. I’m still not an expert, but I’m getting it. When I saw it, I was completely blown away by the revelation that I was the runner. We certainly danced back and forth with it for a while, attracting and repelling one another, but you had your epiphany so long ago now, I guess I really did spend more time running away from you than I did chasing you. I must have, because I was clearly running from myself, and we are one in the same.

Since I started looking my demons in the face, my life has gotten so much easier. In fact, I feel right now as if I’ve barely even done anything more than that to find this immense relief. In a seemingly effortless way, it just fell from the sky one day, to my greatest delight. I absolutely craved that feeling for years. I would get tiny doses of it every now and then in my rare moments of alone time, when I would remember who I was. On multiple occasions, I told myself that I was going to cut loose, but I just didn’t have the heart to do it. Not to mention, I truly thought I needed the companionship. Then, when I incorrectly believed that I was ready, I was denied the love from what I believed to be the greatest source. This turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, along with motherhood. I finally learned that my greatest source of love is in myself. The message was being shouted loudly and clearly the whole time, but I just chose not to hear it. I utterly tortured myself for so long, all because I couldn’t love ME. I allowed that pessimistic asshole voice in my head to tell me that I wasn’t good enough at my talents or that I was undeserving of true love, even though I’m so incredibly fortunate to know what that’s even like. Most people can’t even fathom the powerful surge of loving passion that flows between us. It’s something that most only read about in books or see in movies. If I deny myself this incredible gift, if I continue to settle for this life of routine mediocrity, I know I’ll live out the rest of my life in misery and regret. At this point, I’m willing to do just about anything (except abandon my daughter) to prevent that from happening. It will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it will be worth it.

In the meantime, I’m not going to do anything rash. I’ve learned the hard way that speaking or doing too much too soon only sets me back. When the time comes, I’ll know. I find myself constantly praying for something or someone to step in and do this for me, but I don’t see how that would even be possible. I know that I need to clean up my own mess. I dug myself into this hole, I’m going to have to climb out on my own. I’m just so tired of hurting people. I’ve broken too many hearts throughout this process and I don’t want to do it anymore. But if the plan calls for it, then so be it. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens. I’ve officially handed the reins over. Despite my former belief, it’s really not my call.

For now, I’ll enjoy this new-found peace and increasing clarity. I actually have a vision for the future and it looks bright, no matter what other obstacles come along. I’ve really been enjoying my own (sober) company and accomplishing a lot more than I used to, even while caring for a baby. I finally got my spark back and the creativity that my soul has been aching to unleash is beginning to flow once again. Inspiration is making its way back into my life. Opportunities to utilize my talents are arising, which is more than I could have even hoped for just a few months ago. It looks like I actually just may get to spend my life doing things that I enjoy. For some reason, I started to believe that maybe that just wouldn’t happen to me.

Just one question remains. Will we swap roles once more? If I reveal all of this to you, will it be a mistake? Will you turn and run away again? I don’t think you will; my instinct tells me that at this time, you are on the exact same page as me. It seems as though the dawn is coming and a new beginning is on the rise, but I don’t think we’re quite out of the darkness. Still, I’m seeing a light where I once couldn’t, so all I can do is keep my faith in this newly discovered consciousness. So far, doing so has been working out for me. Sometimes, I actually still wonder if perhaps I’m just crazy, but all of the signs I’ve been seeing are too much proof that this is all very real. So I’ll go with my gut and follow my heart. It certainly does not agree with my head, but in the long run, logic has basically gotten me nowhere. In my heart, I believe that right now, neither one of us is running. I feel your presence much stronger lately, much like I did when we first parted ways. The only difference is now, I’m looking at what’s in front of me and what I’m seeing is you standing there looking right back at me.

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