I’m Just a Dreamer

We took a trip out to Minnesota this past week. John’s father, Jack sadly passed away. After two years of battling cancer, his heart gave up on him. What a dreadful, hideous disease it is, which so many people are inflicted with. My poor grandmother is fighting its effects right now, as well. I’m praying that she will beat this and live out the remainder of her life in peace. Unfortunately, Jack was one of so many who were unable to do that. In a sense, it is almost comforting to know that he will no longer suffer. Still, death is never an easy thing to deal with. I wasn’t even very close to him, but it brings me to tears thinking about it. I believe that his spirit is with us, though, and I do believe that things happen for a reason. It is all connected in this enormous web of life that we are all part of, and we all signed up for it. We just can’t remember that part.

This trip ended up being something that will change me forever, for the better. It taught me a lesson or two about life, though I’m not sure I’ve fully grasped it all just yet. I do know that being out there helped me to focus less on myself and more on others. Although my aim has been to focus on myself a lot recently, I think there is a balance that I need to achieve in order for it to work and the scale was tipped more in my favor for a bit, there. I was spending too much time letting my mind drift, dreaming and exploring the other side. I was doing some very groundbreaking soul work, but I was simultaneously pushing away many of my earthly responsibilities. Then, suddenly, we received news that changed my priorities. At that moment, I knew that my duty was to be there for John and his family — our family — and I accepted it graciously. I forgot about myself and my problems for a few days and just helped out. It felt good. I don’t know if I did all that much for John or Pam or anyone else in the family, but I think just being there was a start. I know Astrid certainly helped quite a bit. It’s utterly impossible not to smile at her.

On Friday night, as I lay sleeping, far away in Minnesota, I had a dream. After forgetting about my deep personal issues for almost a week, it was something I sort of needed, to keep that balance. This was one of those dreams that my soul feeds off of, full of symbols and clues to all of the riddles of my life. I’m not sure which scenario happened first, but I remember them both quite distinctly. In one, I laid on a beach at dusk. I was attempting to get a tan, I guess, but the sun was going down and it was quite dark. I laid close to a stone wall that separated the beach from a road or a parking lot, where lots of people stood, and there were other sunbathers around me, as well. For some reason, I feel as though everyone around me was watching me, waiting for me to do something, waiting to judge me. Suddenly, we all noticed something quickly scurrying and weaving through the stones in the wall that divided us. Someone declared fearfully that it was a mouse, and even I began to worry that it was one. I’m not at all afraid of mice, but I think what frightened me most was the looks of disdain and disapproval that I was receiving, as if I was responsible for this small creature’s presence. Then the animal emerged from the rocks and I let out a great sigh of relief when I noticed what it was. I immediately announced to everyone that it was “just a salamander” and there was nothing to worry about. End scene. I woke up thinking, “What the hell was that all about?” Then I read a bit about what the salamander symbolizes in dreams. I think in this potential situation that I will inevitably be in, I’d rather be a salamander than a mouse. In fact, I think the dream was telling me that I will be.

The second scenario — and I feel fairly certain that it came after the salamander dream — was a bit fuzzy and chaotic, but there is one thing that stands out, vividly as ever, and that’s you. You were there. I was hurrying around a bunch of busy hallways in some public place, with John. We were on our way to pack our bags and catch a plane, I believe. I guess it was the plane we would be taking home in a few days. Maybe I was just feeling anxious to leave Minnesota, or maybe there was some other symbolism that goes deeper than that, I don’t know. All I know is that you kept appearing, close by me, around corners, through doorways and stairways, bobbing through the bustle of strangers to get to me. You were wearing a forest green sweater and your beautiful auburn locks hung in semi-long tendrils, the way they looked when we fell in love. The whole time, as John lead me by the hand through the crowds, he never once noticed you. At one point, when you came up behind me, you grabbed my ass to get my attention, and nobody at all seemed to notice it. It was almost like they couldn’t see you, or even me. You never once spoke a word to me, but you didn’t need to. I knew what you wanted. You wanted me to break away and meet you somewhere, perhaps duck behind some doorway nearby so we could kiss and hold each other. I wanted that, too but I could not find an opportunity. Every time I thought maybe I could break away unnoticed, it was impossible to do, as John continued to tug me along to our destination. You kept dodging through the chaos though, in pursuit of me. You were relentless. Your gaze penetrated my soul, the way it always does, and the look in your eyes was so pure and vulnerable. It was the look you gave me the first time we kissed and every time we made love. It was your soul, calling me back home. I tried, I really did, but I couldn’t leave John. In the last part of the dream, when I realized there was no getting away, I saw you standing still and watching me from afar. Again, no words were spoken, but your eyes said something to me that I can’t ever forget. You were telling me that you’d be right there, waiting for me. You told me to come find you when I’m ready.

I’m getting ready. I’m preparing myself in every way possible and cutting out the confusion whenever and wherever I can. And I find it funny when I think about my former belief that you were running from me, when it was just the opposite for years. You were waiting for me and I couldn’t even see that. You were waiting then and you still are right now, despite what things look like on the surface. You were way ahead of me for a while, but I’m finally catching up, and fast. This all seems so impossible to do right now, but I know that I need to just remain positive and keep my thoughts full of love. Love will set me free. I need to love myself, love my daughter, love everyone around me, including John, and of course, I need to love you. I know that we belong together and it will happen. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but in due time. We are being guided back together with every lesson, every sacrifice, every loving thought, and every single little bit of work that we put into this. Other than that, all we can do is leave it up to fate. In the end, it will all work out, because it is our destiny.


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