“Awful sick and Tired of the Game”

“And it’s cold and it’s cold and it’s cold when you’re near
Cold when you’re near any bottle”

Ain’t it the truth? When I ran, I had nowhere to turn, nothing that could possibly distract me the way that I wanted and I felt that I needed. Drinking became my favorite pastime. It was one of his too. From the time we started our relationship, sitting at the bar was one of our usual activities. Of course, in all fairness, we did meet behind the bar. I guess you could say that many good bartenders possess a sort of passion for the trade (albeit, it’s a love-hate kind of relationship) and we really can appreciate a creative cocktail, a good craft beer or a nice glass of wine. We spent more than enough time appreciating these things, however, and my passion for something that I half hated overcame my real passions. The same thing happened to him, I believe. Why he still doesn’t see the problem with this, I’m not sure. He gave up on his dreams for a reason still unknown to me, perhaps unknown to himself, as well. He has yet to clean out his closet. Maybe eventually he’ll jump that hurdle, but it’s for another day, I guess.

My problem was worse than his. He was more into smoking weed than drinking. I couldn’t smoke. It caused me way too much anxiety, which up until just the past month or so, remained a total mystery to me. I couldn’t figure out why suddenly one day, I just couldn’t handle the high anymore, when I used to enjoy it. I figured it had to do with my depression, but there was so much more to it than that. The truth is, being high caused me to look inward, and that’s really what I couldn’t handle. Alcohol made me feel “happier,” more fun, more relaxed, and it became my favorite vice. Looking back, I now realize that I drank more out of necessity than I thought. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a raging alcoholic. I didn’t wake up in the morning and do a shot of vodka; I’m not that metal. However, it came to a point where it was rare for me to skip out on having at least a few per day, unless I was just too hungover from the night before. Drinking with people was fun, as it usually is. But when I was alone with my thoughts, I would do anything to get away from them, so I drank then, too. What’s worse is that I saw nothing wrong with it. At least, that’s what I made myself believe. I guess I was willing to tell myself anything in order to numb the pain.

What I didn’t realize then was that in an attempt to run from the darkness, I was only running right into it. It’s so obvious now, but I just didn’t look at it that way. I suffered in ways that I could have easily prevented, had I just seen what was staring me right in the face. All I needed to do was look into the mirror, but I refused to do that. I kept pointing my finger, believing that I was doing everything I could just to get anywhere and the good things in life were simply rejecting me. But I was the cause of my own misery. That’s what’s so fascinating — though incredibly frustrating and confusing — about this whole runner/chaser thing. Sometimes you don’t know whether you’re coming or going! It seemed to me that I was the chaser and you were the runner. Initially, that is in fact how it went, but at some point, the roles reversed, which is another thing that I just recently came to realize. I’ve known about the Twin Flame love for almost a year now, but it has still taken me a while to fully understand it. I’m still not an expert, but I’m getting it. When I saw it, I was completely blown away by the revelation that I was the runner. We certainly danced back and forth with it for a while, attracting and repelling one another, but you had your epiphany so long ago now, I guess I really did spend more time running away from you than I did chasing you. I must have, because I was clearly running from myself, and we are one in the same.

Since I started looking my demons in the face, my life has gotten so much easier. In fact, I feel right now as if I’ve barely even done anything more than that to find this immense relief. In a seemingly effortless way, it just fell from the sky one day, to my greatest delight. I absolutely craved that feeling for years. I would get tiny doses of it every now and then in my rare moments of alone time, when I would remember who I was. On multiple occasions, I told myself that I was going to cut loose, but I just didn’t have the heart to do it. Not to mention, I truly thought I needed the companionship. Then, when I incorrectly believed that I was ready, I was denied the love from what I believed to be the greatest source. This turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me, along with motherhood. I finally learned that my greatest source of love is in myself. The message was being shouted loudly and clearly the whole time, but I just chose not to hear it. I utterly tortured myself for so long, all because I couldn’t love ME. I allowed that pessimistic asshole voice in my head to tell me that I wasn’t good enough at my talents or that I was undeserving of true love, even though I’m so incredibly fortunate to know what that’s even like. Most people can’t even fathom the powerful surge of loving passion that flows between us. It’s something that most only read about in books or see in movies. If I deny myself this incredible gift, if I continue to settle for this life of routine mediocrity, I know I’ll live out the rest of my life in misery and regret. At this point, I’m willing to do just about anything (except abandon my daughter) to prevent that from happening. It will be the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, but it will be worth it.

In the meantime, I’m not going to do anything rash. I’ve learned the hard way that speaking or doing too much too soon only sets me back. When the time comes, I’ll know. I find myself constantly praying for something or someone to step in and do this for me, but I don’t see how that would even be possible. I know that I need to clean up my own mess. I dug myself into this hole, I’m going to have to climb out on my own. I’m just so tired of hurting people. I’ve broken too many hearts throughout this process and I don’t want to do it anymore. But if the plan calls for it, then so be it. I guess we’ll have to wait and see what happens. I’ve officially handed the reins over. Despite my former belief, it’s really not my call.

For now, I’ll enjoy this new-found peace and increasing clarity. I actually have a vision for the future and it looks bright, no matter what other obstacles come along. I’ve really been enjoying my own (sober) company and accomplishing a lot more than I used to, even while caring for a baby. I finally got my spark back and the creativity that my soul has been aching to unleash is beginning to flow once again. Inspiration is making its way back into my life. Opportunities to utilize my talents are arising, which is more than I could have even hoped for just a few months ago. It looks like I actually just may get to spend my life doing things that I enjoy. For some reason, I started to believe that maybe that just wouldn’t happen to me.

Just one question remains. Will we swap roles once more? If I reveal all of this to you, will it be a mistake? Will you turn and run away again? I don’t think you will; my instinct tells me that at this time, you are on the exact same page as me. It seems as though the dawn is coming and a new beginning is on the rise, but I don’t think we’re quite out of the darkness. Still, I’m seeing a light where I once couldn’t, so all I can do is keep my faith in this newly discovered consciousness. So far, doing so has been working out for me. Sometimes, I actually still wonder if perhaps I’m just crazy, but all of the signs I’ve been seeing are too much proof that this is all very real. So I’ll go with my gut and follow my heart. It certainly does not agree with my head, but in the long run, logic has basically gotten me nowhere. In my heart, I believe that right now, neither one of us is running. I feel your presence much stronger lately, much like I did when we first parted ways. The only difference is now, I’m looking at what’s in front of me and what I’m seeing is you standing there looking right back at me.

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Appreciation Day

Complain, complain, complain. That’s all I used to do. All of my old journals are chock-full of woe is me sob stories that I wrote to myself. What a waste of energy. And here I was thinking that I was doing just fine. How could I be so blind? Quite often, I see and hear people preach that being thankful for what you have in life will get you a lot farther than complaining about difficulties, inconveniences or what you don’t have. Chances are, if you are complaining, you actually have a lot more than you think you do. And for some reason, I am just now, at the age of twenty-seven, actually learning this lesson. But the truth is, I think, a lot of people in our society have yet to learn — and master — this virtue, so perhaps I should be thankful for the lesson itself.

This mastery is a current goal of mine. I have learned that every bit of good in my life was given to me in some way or another. Yes, of course I have worked for basically everything that I have, but I believe there is also some degree of luck that plays into it. Left and right, I see good people who work hard, ask for very little and in return, life deals them a shit hand time and time again. And here I am, dumbfounded by this observation. How do I get so lucky sometimes? Granted, life for me is no cakewalk; I’ve been given my fair share of difficulties, just like everyone else. But my bad days pale in comparison to those of so many others in the world, some of whom just can’t ever catch a break. So…what was I complaining about again?

Yes, the old adage, “count your blessings,” is a wise one indeed. Since I’ve been taking more time out of my days to thank my spirit guide, my angels, the Ascended Masters, God, the universe, — what/whoever you want to call it, which has chosen to smile on me with such good fortune — life has suddenly become easier to deal with. A few losses and setbacks have occurred recently, it’s true, but I’ve managed to accept these situations as they are. Some things are just completely out of our control, and that’s just fine. I finally see that the good vastly outweighs the bad and in the end, everything is going to be okay.

For too long, I wasted my days dwelling in self-loathing and pity, wishing that things would change and get easier. I was completely missing the big picture. Perhaps if I hadn’t become so jaded and had still been able to see all of the beauty surrounding me, I would have reached my great epiphany sooner. I can’t have regrets about any of it, though. For whatever reason, the process just took that long for me, and at this point, I’m just happy that I have finally arrived at this place. I really struggled for years to get here. I may have had difficulty in seeing that I needed to try harder, but I was somewhat trying nonetheless and I eventually figured it out. Not to mention, had I made my discovery sooner, I would probably be missing out on some of the good things life has given me on this quest.

I chose my own path, and it led me to many wonderful things, the greatest being my beautiful baby girl who continues to bless my life every day. Thanks to her, not a day goes by that I don’t have a good laugh, that I don’t grin ear to ear and my heart doesn’t absolutely burst with love. In fact, she just may be the whole reason I am finally here. She has been the greatest gift ever given to me. Every day, she challenges me to be stronger, to work harder and be the best version of myself possible. Every day, she makes me feel the greatest power of all, unconditional love. She is exactly what I needed and I believe that she chose me for a reason. It’s somewhat hard to believe that my darling little cherub turned 9 months old today. Every milestone is just another reminder to savor each and every precious moment with her, because they come and go so quickly and she will never again be as tiny and innocent as she is today. Thank you, my beautiful Astrid, for showing me what life is all about. You are my greatest blessing.

Obviously, things in my life are certainly not perfect, but why would they be? I wouldn’t even want it that way. I’ve always thrived on a good challenge. Life would be so boring without them. In my new, sunnier viewpoint, the aim is to not only accept the challenges and setbacks, but welcome them with open arms and a smile. If there is anything I’ve learned at all recently, it’s that my problems are simply shaping me into the person I want to be, the person I always knew I could be. With each and every challenge, I grow in so many ways. With each lesson, I become more powerful, more wise, more compassionate and more empathetic. With all of these strengths comes love of oneself. So today, I am nothing but grateful for every obstacle I have ever encountered, even at my lowest. I don’t think I would have ever gotten this high if I hadn’t hit bottom first. From here, there is nowhere to go but up.

I’m Just a Dreamer

We took a trip out to Minnesota this past week. John’s father, Jack sadly passed away. After two years of battling cancer, his heart gave up on him. What a dreadful, hideous disease it is, which so many people are inflicted with. My poor grandmother is fighting its effects right now, as well. I’m praying that she will beat this and live out the remainder of her life in peace. Unfortunately, Jack was one of so many who were unable to do that. In a sense, it is almost comforting to know that he will no longer suffer. Still, death is never an easy thing to deal with. I wasn’t even very close to him, but it brings me to tears thinking about it. I believe that his spirit is with us, though, and I do believe that things happen for a reason. It is all connected in this enormous web of life that we are all part of, and we all signed up for it. We just can’t remember that part.

This trip ended up being something that will change me forever, for the better. It taught me a lesson or two about life, though I’m not sure I’ve fully grasped it all just yet. I do know that being out there helped me to focus less on myself and more on others. Although my aim has been to focus on myself a lot recently, I think there is a balance that I need to achieve in order for it to work and the scale was tipped more in my favor for a bit, there. I was spending too much time letting my mind drift, dreaming and exploring the other side. I was doing some very groundbreaking soul work, but I was simultaneously pushing away many of my earthly responsibilities. Then, suddenly, we received news that changed my priorities. At that moment, I knew that my duty was to be there for John and his family — our family — and I accepted it graciously. I forgot about myself and my problems for a few days and just helped out. It felt good. I don’t know if I did all that much for John or Pam or anyone else in the family, but I think just being there was a start. I know Astrid certainly helped quite a bit. It’s utterly impossible not to smile at her.

On Friday night, as I lay sleeping, far away in Minnesota, I had a dream. After forgetting about my deep personal issues for almost a week, it was something I sort of needed, to keep that balance. This was one of those dreams that my soul feeds off of, full of symbols and clues to all of the riddles of my life. I’m not sure which scenario happened first, but I remember them both quite distinctly. In one, I laid on a beach at dusk. I was attempting to get a tan, I guess, but the sun was going down and it was quite dark. I laid close to a stone wall that separated the beach from a road or a parking lot, where lots of people stood, and there were other sunbathers around me, as well. For some reason, I feel as though everyone around me was watching me, waiting for me to do something, waiting to judge me. Suddenly, we all noticed something quickly scurrying and weaving through the stones in the wall that divided us. Someone declared fearfully that it was a mouse, and even I began to worry that it was one. I’m not at all afraid of mice, but I think what frightened me most was the looks of disdain and disapproval that I was receiving, as if I was responsible for this small creature’s presence. Then the animal emerged from the rocks and I let out a great sigh of relief when I noticed what it was. I immediately announced to everyone that it was “just a salamander” and there was nothing to worry about. End scene. I woke up thinking, “What the hell was that all about?” Then I read a bit about what the salamander symbolizes in dreams. I think in this potential situation that I will inevitably be in, I’d rather be a salamander than a mouse. In fact, I think the dream was telling me that I will be.

The second scenario — and I feel fairly certain that it came after the salamander dream — was a bit fuzzy and chaotic, but there is one thing that stands out, vividly as ever, and that’s you. You were there. I was hurrying around a bunch of busy hallways in some public place, with John. We were on our way to pack our bags and catch a plane, I believe. I guess it was the plane we would be taking home in a few days. Maybe I was just feeling anxious to leave Minnesota, or maybe there was some other symbolism that goes deeper than that, I don’t know. All I know is that you kept appearing, close by me, around corners, through doorways and stairways, bobbing through the bustle of strangers to get to me. You were wearing a forest green sweater and your beautiful auburn locks hung in semi-long tendrils, the way they looked when we fell in love. The whole time, as John lead me by the hand through the crowds, he never once noticed you. At one point, when you came up behind me, you grabbed my ass to get my attention, and nobody at all seemed to notice it. It was almost like they couldn’t see you, or even me. You never once spoke a word to me, but you didn’t need to. I knew what you wanted. You wanted me to break away and meet you somewhere, perhaps duck behind some doorway nearby so we could kiss and hold each other. I wanted that, too but I could not find an opportunity. Every time I thought maybe I could break away unnoticed, it was impossible to do, as John continued to tug me along to our destination. You kept dodging through the chaos though, in pursuit of me. You were relentless. Your gaze penetrated my soul, the way it always does, and the look in your eyes was so pure and vulnerable. It was the look you gave me the first time we kissed and every time we made love. It was your soul, calling me back home. I tried, I really did, but I couldn’t leave John. In the last part of the dream, when I realized there was no getting away, I saw you standing still and watching me from afar. Again, no words were spoken, but your eyes said something to me that I can’t ever forget. You were telling me that you’d be right there, waiting for me. You told me to come find you when I’m ready.

I’m getting ready. I’m preparing myself in every way possible and cutting out the confusion whenever and wherever I can. And I find it funny when I think about my former belief that you were running from me, when it was just the opposite for years. You were waiting for me and I couldn’t even see that. You were waiting then and you still are right now, despite what things look like on the surface. You were way ahead of me for a while, but I’m finally catching up, and fast. This all seems so impossible to do right now, but I know that I need to just remain positive and keep my thoughts full of love. Love will set me free. I need to love myself, love my daughter, love everyone around me, including John, and of course, I need to love you. I know that we belong together and it will happen. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but in due time. We are being guided back together with every lesson, every sacrifice, every loving thought, and every single little bit of work that we put into this. Other than that, all we can do is leave it up to fate. In the end, it will all work out, because it is our destiny.