Turn the Page

This is becoming more and more real.  Every day, I’m a step closer.  In one more month, I will be a mother.  Can this be?  Is this real life?  It must be, because there is definitely a tiny little person living inside of my body.  She’s rolling around in there as I type this.  It truly is amazing.  And though I have no actual experience to go by just yet, I know that this will be the greatest gift ever given to me.  Although it was unplanned and despite my complaints about the numerous pregnancy discomforts that I’ve been feeling, I know that there will be no regrets and my life will be forever changed for the better.

So what’s with the anxiety?  What’s with all the worry I’ve been feeling?  I know that I’ll be a good mother, that I will love my child unconditionally and give her everything that I possibly can.  I know this.  Yet, I still feel this apprehension lurking deep inside of me.  This fear of losing myself.  Of course, I’m sure this is normal for every parent-to-be…right?  Again, I worry not about what kind of care I will give to my child.  In fact, it’s quite the opposite.  I’m worried about what kind of care I will give to myself.  Will I have any time left for me?  And if not, then what kind of person am I going to turn into?  I have just recently reached an epiphany that took years, almost a decade, for me to realize.  The ultimate lesson that I needed to learn was how to truly love myself, to put myself first and achieve my dreams all on my own.  I finally just realized that this is the key to my happiness that I’ve been lacking all these years.  But in just one more month, it will no longer be about me.  Am I too late?

When you’re a mother, you give up your life and your dreams and you strive for your child’s.  You think about them first, always.  All of your work and hard earned cash goes to them – their immediate needs and their future.  But I have things that I would like to do for myself, still.  Things that will ultimately benefit my kid too, but the question is, will I have the time (and the money)?  I have so much more education to complete, so many things to learn and do, and I’m not about to watch those dreams dwindle away.  I still think it’s possible for me to go back to school when the time is right, hopefully next fall.  Will that change?  I certainly hope not.

I’m a firm believer in making things happen.  Anything is possible.  The difference is how badly you want something to happen, and how hard you are willing to work for it.  That’s all it takes.  So yes, I’m sure I can still achieve my own goals, as well as help my child fulfill hers.  I just worry that I won’t.  I fear that I’ll forget about me, lose my identity and all the things that make me who I am.  After all, it seems like a pretty common theme with motherhood.  Then again, perhaps I have nothing to worry about.  I know who I am.  I’m not ready to give up on me.  I can be there for my child and remain there for myself.  All I have to do is want it.